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Pub date
2008-10-22
10 Things Your Man Really Wants in Bed
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10 Things Your Man Really Wants in Bed
To be spontaneous is a form of surrendering, of saying that nothing matters at this moment but the two of you. Spontaneity tells your man you think he's worth putting everything aside for. As one nostalgic husband says, "When we were first together, the spontaneous 'nooner' would make me smile for days, and the unplanned encounter with my wife is still the best kind of sex."
Yet too often we block the urge. We feel interest stirring, and instead of letting it develop, we step in with the usual controls -- kids, work, laundry, sleep -- and postpone the flicker of arousal until a more convenient time. Convenient! Did you ever imagine you'd make convenience a condition for sex? Don't you miss the excitement of inconvenient sex, the just-between-us thrill of sex in unlikely places at unlikely times?
Sex is about so many things -- love, fun, eroticism, connection -- it's silly to let opportunities for intimacy pass by because they're not quite right. The value of sex is sometimes simply in the connection. And what your husband will read into your willingness to be spontaneous is that you want him under any conditions -- good, bad or indifferent.
The easiest way to get the synapses sparking to the thrill of novelty is to fiddle with the basic variables of time, place and style. Be forewarned, though: A certain amount of energy and effort -- not to mention humor -- is necessary if you're going to break out of a rut.
Ideally foreplay starts long before you hit the bedroom, so you build anticipation until you can't wait to make love. The trick is to keep sex in the air -- by flashing your man on the way to the shower or placing a sexy call at work or planting passionate kisses at unexpected moments. "I'd love it if my wife groped me during the day," says one husband, "just so I know she's thinking of me."
You've seen each other naked more times than you can count, you've probably tried everything under the sun at least once, and you've still got a lifetime together ahead. Now what? Passion? Desire? Um -- maybe later. Right now a night of Lost somehow seems as alluring as sex, and a lot less demanding. And anyway, c'mon: Can any couple actually sustain desire for each other at full throttle year after year? Well, yes they can -- if they know how to go about it.
And that's what these 10 secrets are about: sex, passion, marriage -- and learning to put all three together in the same sentence. To find out how, Redbook polled more than 5,000 married men and almost 5,000 married women, aged 25 to 45, about the nitty-gritty of their sex lives. The results were mind-blowingly candid and very reassuring: More than half the men and women say they desire their spouses as much today as when they met, and more than a fifth desire their mates more. Call it the thrill of familiarity: More time together does not have to equal less passion. But you do have to learn to work desire, as you would any other muscle. Want to know how to please your man? How to have him lust endlessly for you? How to want him forever? Read on.
And that's what these 10 secrets are about: sex, passion, marriage -- and learning to put all three together in the same sentence. To find out how, Redbook polled more than 5,000 married men and almost 5,000 married women, aged 25 to 45, about the nitty-gritty of their sex lives. The results were mind-blowingly candid and very reassuring: More than half the men and women say they desire their spouses as much today as when they met, and more than a fifth desire their mates more. Call it the thrill of familiarity: More time together does not have to equal less passion. But you do have to learn to work desire, as you would any other muscle. Want to know how to please your man? How to have him lust endlessly for you? How to want him forever? Read on.
Secret #1: Enthusiasm
Quick! When was the last time you initiated sex? You're asking, "Who cares who makes the first move?" He cares. Initiating is a clear way of proving your lust. If your husband is always the one to start things up, eventually he'll wonder, "Why doesn't she ever come after me? Doesn't she want me anymore?" Here's the thing, though: You may think that by unbuttoning your blouse one notch, putting on red lipstick and giving your husband a come-hither look, you're initiating sex, because you've signaled your interest. Dollars to doughnuts he'll say he initiated it, because he's the one who sidled over, slipped his hand under your blouse and kissed your red mouth. When guys say they wish their wives would initiate more, they really mean they wish their wives were more aggressive, more obvious, and more direct. Next question: When was the last time your husband came on to you and you rebuffed him with a kiss because dinner was cooking or the phone was ringing or -- whatever? I know about the mountain of chores and your endless to-do list. I also know that rare, wide-open moments for intimacy present themselves and we let them pass by -- in the name of efficiency, responsibility, practicality.To be spontaneous is a form of surrendering, of saying that nothing matters at this moment but the two of you. Spontaneity tells your man you think he's worth putting everything aside for. As one nostalgic husband says, "When we were first together, the spontaneous 'nooner' would make me smile for days, and the unplanned encounter with my wife is still the best kind of sex."
Yet too often we block the urge. We feel interest stirring, and instead of letting it develop, we step in with the usual controls -- kids, work, laundry, sleep -- and postpone the flicker of arousal until a more convenient time. Convenient! Did you ever imagine you'd make convenience a condition for sex? Don't you miss the excitement of inconvenient sex, the just-between-us thrill of sex in unlikely places at unlikely times?
Sex is about so many things -- love, fun, eroticism, connection -- it's silly to let opportunities for intimacy pass by because they're not quite right. The value of sex is sometimes simply in the connection. And what your husband will read into your willingness to be spontaneous is that you want him under any conditions -- good, bad or indifferent.
Secret #2: Variety
The problem with being human is that we are creatures of habit. Once we find something we like, we return to it again and again until -- poof! We hate it. It's hard to stop doing what once worked, but stop we must, or all those moves -- kiss, kiss, rub, rub, suck, suck -- will suddenly make you cringe with their familiarity. "My husband focuses on three things: right boob, left boob and crotch," one woman complains. "I try to let him know that it doesn't work because it's always the same."The easiest way to get the synapses sparking to the thrill of novelty is to fiddle with the basic variables of time, place and style. Be forewarned, though: A certain amount of energy and effort -- not to mention humor -- is necessary if you're going to break out of a rut.
Ideally foreplay starts long before you hit the bedroom, so you build anticipation until you can't wait to make love. The trick is to keep sex in the air -- by flashing your man on the way to the shower or placing a sexy call at work or planting passionate kisses at unexpected moments. "I'd love it if my wife groped me during the day," says one husband, "just so I know she's thinking of me."
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